I’m no relationship expert, nor do I pretend to be. But I still get calls from girlfriends whenever they’re in a boy-related sitch. It always baffled me a little; I mean I’ve read about relationships, and certainly tried my hand at them. But, sadly I have an innate way of sabotaging them.
Retrospect is a beautiful thing. The perspective is very wise, but it’s also a slap in the face. As Cinderella sings, “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.” And oh have I abused boys and relationships without realizing that they’re spectacular until I’m left alone. Again.
The worst is that I do it to myself. I put up walls. I break up with people because I know I should, though I may not really want to. As a Gemini, there are two sides to all my stories. Unfortunately, one side tries to keep me from getting hurt and, as such, ruins my chances of being happy in a relationship, too.
Depressing brain barf aside, I realized that though I may not be a relationship expert, I’m quite the breakup guru. And though I may not have relationship success stories, I do have lots of super awesome single girl stories.
Downtrodden women from far and wide seek out my services to help them overcome the heartbreak. So now, ladies (gentlemen, this post is so not for you), I present to you the failproof guide to getting over it. Hold it dear. After all, I’m a guru.
1. Hide your iPod. Oof, nothing is worse than a mopey, post-breakup girl listening to love songs. No, no, no. No slow country music, no Ben Folds, no first dance songs. I have a playlist on my iTunes that is specifically for times like this. It’s the only thing I let myself listen to. Highlights include “Cheated” by Mike Posner and “A Toast to Men” by Willa Ford and “I Hate College (Remix)” by Sam Adams (“single doesn’t mean I’m looking for somebody”). It’s all fast-paced, pre-gaming music. No piano.2. Head to the grocery store. This is great for a couple of reasons. First off, it’s a public place so it’s not like you’ll feel inclined to cry when you’re surrounded by vegetables and strangers. It’s also a major distraction; when I shop, there’re way too many lists going through my head to fit any drama. Lastly, though, it’s time to be comfortably with myself and feel inspired. I eat incredibly well that first night because I can go home and set aside the time. I call up girlfriends and make them asparagus (my fave) and something yummy. And stock up on alcohol. Whatever floats your boat.3. Get angry. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that being angry is perhaps the best thing one can do to get over someone. Anger trumps sadness and heartbreak, and it motivates us to act more primal, to dare ourselves to don something crazy and hit the town. Anger is spiteful. But it’s liberating. In anger, there is freedom. So find some minor miniscule thing (or something to justifiably be angry about) and blow it up. Get angry and let it fill you. You can always apologize later.4. Be selfish. This is my favorite part; I might even break up with someone just to have reason to indulge. Unfortunately, it’s also the part that many people overlook. Oftentimes during breakups, ladies are concerned about the other person being mean or hurt or attractive. The thing about a breakup, though, is that it’s a breakup. Break. Up. There aren’t two people to the equation anymore. It’s just you, baby.The benefit of that is that all your focus can be on you. I always say that it’s important to treat yourself well because if you don’t, how can you reasonably expect anyone else to. Breakups are a time to renew one’s commitment to oneself and then take out the credit card.Shop. Cook a steak. Go on a new diet. Buy a gym membership. Get a pedicure or a massage. The energy from breakups is amazing. Suddenly, you have all this time and money and energy that you’re not exerting on some smelly boy that you can finally splurge on yourself. I’ve never been skinnier than post-breakup. Never had better looking toe nails.It’s important to note, however, that you’re not primping to try to “win him back.” Ack. If things work out down the line, good for you. But never assume they will. This is a time for you. Enjoy it. Read a book you’ve been putting off. Apply for a new job. Attend a wine tasting class… The list is endless.5. Find your vice. Another favorite… this is the opportunity to do somethin’ crazy. Die your hair (my preferred method), get a tattoo, smoke a cigarette, dance on a table, make out with a stranger. Whatever. Harness that bad girl that we all have hidden not-so-deeply below the surface and go crazy. As a side note, the benefits of this step are multiplied when the devious deed is done whilst wearing red lipstick and liquid leggings… just saying.6. Fill your time. I briefly mentioned this in the other posts, but finding something to fill your time with is crucial. One beloved friend combined this step with “Get angry” and started a blog about the breakup process. Another meditates and does yoga. Whatever it takes, find a way to fill your time. Alone time is thinking time is moping time. Not acceptable.7. Be single. This one is important because there are so many people that jump from one relationship to another. Or, if you’re like me, you keep a couple of back-burner options, people who I can call up and rekindle something with so that I don’t feel so alone. It’s a problem, I know. And I hurt myself and others by doing it, which is why I stress this point.Be single. It’s a time to revel in one’s awesomeness and stop to smell the roses. I like to tell myself that “happiness is a conscious decision.” And I genuinely believe that. There are times when making that decision is a little bit more challenging than others, but choose to be happy and you will be.Ever notice that when you finally stop actively looking for someone, you find them? There’s a sexiness to being so happy and nonchalant. And there’s a strength in realizing that you don’t need someone else to make you happy. I was once with someone who thought I was too independent. He wanted me to “need” him. I told him that the fact that I didn’t need him, but chose to be with him anyway should say something more, but he disagreed. I broke up with him.
There is nothing wrong with being single, nothing wrong with girls’ night outs and cooking for one. Be single. Savor it. You’ve got the rest of your life to spend sharing toothpaste with someone.